Is this fair? Probably not…

I stare out through the frost covered window. The grass beyond is brown, brittle and dead. Winter takes it hold here, yet where I sit is warm and safe. If I am so warm and safe, why do I dream of being out there? Not out in the cold, where my breath will cloud, and my skin will chap. Out there where they are, there is a door just beyond the swirling snow. Instead I hide here, because it is the easier solution.

Broken…scare…alone…

Do they both know, maybe they all know, maybe they can all see. I cannot lie to them, they would see right through it. There is no mask I can hide behind; I was never as good as the rest of them. Hiding here though I am good at that, it takes no effort to lock myself behind this door, to sit here in this window and watch the world beyond.

Fail…coward…easy…

It would take courage to face them. To sit between them and be honest with myself, to let them hear it from my own mouth, in my own words. To reach out for both, to maybe receive nothing in return. Why would I risk this little fragile figure, I clutch it to my chest, my life, my soul, my happiness, depends on it. Could I break it in two I would, yet there is only one, and to break it would shatter it into a thousand, thousand pieces. I glanced down at it, my hands cupped protectively around it, the glow pulses in time with my heart beat. I could no more half this than I could half myself. If only I could split myself in two, maybe then I could make them both happy.

Shattered…lost…afraid…

Which would need me more, I had to make the choice. I could not hide here forever. Could I? Keep it secret? Keep it hidden? Hide myself from the world, from the harsh bitter cold, from the risk of the hurt that may never come. Surely one would survive without me; the other could not go on without my guiding light. I know no other way, I cannot be both, I have to be only one, maybe one day I will find a way.

Dark…light…balance

Forcing away the fear that tries to bind me, I put my hand on the door, I step out into the world beyond. The cold, crisp, biting air hits me, my eyes burn and my chest tightens. I am not afraid of the cold, I am afraid of what awaits me on the other side of the door just beyond the drifting snow fall. Determined and resolved I push through to the warmth of the next room. The snow in my hair, the frost on my skin, melts away in their warmth. They both smile at me, both happy to see me returned to them. I hold out my hand between them, my truth lay bare before their eyes. I feel them watch me; I dare not meet their pleading gazes. Neither moves to reach for me, neither looks at the other, they only look at me, waiting for me to make the choice. I stare at the floor, I can see their feet and that is all. The one to my left glows warm, soft, comforting, welcoming, kind, and loving. The one to my right burns brightly, hot, roaring, tumultuous, ferocious, and passionate. Both bright in their own way, both warm in their own right, how could I choose one over the other? I close my eyes and tip my hand, my own glow falls, all warmth leaves me, all hope, all love, all dreams, all desire fell from me as I let it go. Only the fear, shame and regret remain, tight in my chest, threatening to drag me down. I open my eyes they both held a piece, it had not shattered, it had not broken, it split in two. They look at me with warm smiles, they could live with what they had of me.

Love…passion…empathy

The man on the right, had the larger piece, almost whole in its entirety. I reached for his hand, and intertwining my fingers with his. The man on the left, had a small piece, so small it was but a snowflake in his hand, but it was still his to keep, he pressed it against his heart and put a hand on my shoulder. To love both is prohibited, to be with both is forbidden, to half my self is impossible, but I gave what I could to each, and must live with that choice forever. With both beside me, my hopes, dreams, passion, and love, came flowing back into me, I could be happy here, I could continue here.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s